Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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