apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
