She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
