im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
