i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
