he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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