So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
