i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
