My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
