I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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