Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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