Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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