Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Never joke about your clitoris.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
