k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
