We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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