I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
