I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm bleeding and have questions
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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