I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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