I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
