If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize