A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
