Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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