Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
