Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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