My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
My feet surprised me
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
