just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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