I could have mohawked her pubes.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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