apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
