i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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