the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
cat food counts as protein by the way
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
