Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
