Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
