I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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