4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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