I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
