i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
