I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
