the condom got lost in my hair
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
