I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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