I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
