I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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