I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
