you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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