i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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