I think my fart just growled at me.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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