If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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