What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
