Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
