i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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