I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
