I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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