Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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