i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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