i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
