she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
