I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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